Two summers ago (almost exactly), I initiated a search for the birth family. Jena had a friend who found her birth parents through a private investigator with much success. We contacted this person and paid an upfront deposit. Sparing you the details, this investigator sucked. She went weeks in between communication, and wasn't able to produce any results despite the very good information I had for her (potential birth parents' names). I went from bold anticipation, to confusion, to devastation at meeting this dead end. I told her to stop, and surrendered the deposit with nothing to show.
Months past, a year past, and I flailed at attempts to open my heart to hope again. Jena patiently continued the conversation at long intervals, but I just felt the need to go at my own pace. I so believe (for better and worse) in acting on inspiration. This requires a lot of waiting around sometimes, and sometimes perhaps it is better to make your own kind of inspiration, but not for this thing. I needed to know the Inspirer was with me. It was ok to wait for God to call. My heart is not strong on its own when it came to this.
Well, after Jena opened up my mind again recently, I heard the call from an unforeseen source. I began reading Barack Obama's "Dreams of My Father" while traveling in mid-June. The book is a remarkable experience. When I got to Part III, where Barack begins a journey to Kenya in search of relatives from his deceased father's side, things began to click for me. I knew I needed to be sure of where I was coming from internally-- my expectations, my fears, my hopes, etc-- before I opened things up to searching. Barack's patient and delicate exploration of his schizophrenic identity throughout the book (all preceding his journey to Kenya) helped me reflect on my own situation. He has been my guide through the past couple of weeks. His story is remarkably helpful to me in understanding my own. Reading this book gave me a beautiful experience. I'll include some of the things that spoke to me later on.
Peace,
Patrick
4 comments:
Hey you have really insightful things to say, and they inspire me to think as elegantly about my own past and how people shape me on the outside and on the inside, which I very often take for granted...um, are you single?
Rita, Spokane
Hey you're really insightful and make me wonder about my own biological past. You seem surprisingly secure, even amidst you insecurity, not an easy thing when dealing with a crazy fractured background. Dope.
Mike, Ballard
Man, you are one brave dude! Serious props to a fella who's willing to bare his naked soul!!!
Jiggy, Kent
you have lots of great fans! and all posted within 3 minutes of each other.
Rolando, Brasil
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